Your name is Dave Strider and you harbor a crush on your dorky best friend. Man, that sounds lame. Regardless, it is a truth and well-protected secret that has lead you to build a metaphorical wall around your heart. This unfortunate, figurative wall has been force-constructed due to the fact that you are almost certain your feelings are not reciprocated.
You try leaving what you believe are the most obvious hints during your unproductive pesterchum escapades with your aforementioned crush, but to no avail. That kid can be as thick as a plank sometimes. On days where you are particularly hard on yourself, (days that do not occur very often, because you like to believe you can pull the proverbial bitches) you think John's unresponsiveness to your hinted advances might be because he doesn't actually want to believe you are being flirty or coy with him. These days of self-deprecation lead you to think that initiating a relationship with him would be profusely hopeless.
You are now starting to believe you were possibly the lead role of a shitty romantic film in a previous life. Whatever, you think. A Strider can deal with a little unrequited love interest. Well, what you believed was unrequited, anyway. Though you do wonder if John would be quite so vacant to your flirty advances if you actually met the guy in person, and you weren't stuck of this godforsaken meteor with a couple of trolls and your sister. Having a 3-year-crush on a non-respondent kid seems the perfect match positively doomed for failure.
Heretofore mentioned sister is actually the only person who has gotten past your metaphorical heart-guarding wall with her self-beneficial practice of prying into issues that don't concern her. Though, Rose does try to assist you with your romantic leanings towards John, so you aren't quite so bothered. She can pretty resourceful sometimes, not that you would ever admit that to her on principal. The recent conversation leading to her knowledge of your embarrassing crush went something like this:
-- turnTechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:19pm --
TG: sup rose
TT: Hello, Dave.
TT: Have you finally decided to discuss your issues regarding your feelings towards John yet?
TG: what the fuck
TG: when did this even become a thing
TG: at what point in time was i like
TG: holy shit rose i think i'm gay for john
TG: better whip out the ring and start proclaiming all the matrimonial vows
TT: Admittedly we have not pursued such conversations.
TT: Though the matter has come to my attention anyway.
TG: how so
TT: Honestly, it is really quite obvious.
TG: no its not
TT: Yes it is.
TG: no its not
TT: It really is.
TT: Additionally, you practically just admitted to it, so there's evidently no point in avoiding the matter any further.
TT: So, would you care to discuss this topic?
TG: not with you
TT: Why not?
TG: because i am literally not sure if its possible for you to not be condescending for more than five minutes
TG: especially about things like me having a crush on my best bro
TG: who probably doesnt even like me back because he's got some stick up his ass about not being a homosexual
TT: See, now that wasn't so hard.
TG: fuck you
TT: How eloquent of you.
TG: what did i say about being condescending
TG: youre practically setting yourself up for not knowing all the dirty details of my situation here lalonde
TT: Are there such heretofore mentioned 'dirty details'?
TG: man youre so voyeuristic
TG: if there were any erotic escapades i wouldnt be telling my fucking sister about them
TT: Alright, alright.
TT: Let's not discuss my apparent voyeurism and focus on the matter at hand.
TT: I do actually harbour knowledge about relationships, you realize.
TG: yeah i heard about you and kanaya
TG: isnt as if the entire fucking population of this goddamned meteor didnt see that one coming
TG: it brings a whole new meaning to your pesterchum handle if you get what im saying
TT: You're rambling again.
TT: Though I will admit the title does strike me as more profound as of late.
TG: ok so what exactly do you want to me to say about my situation anyway
TG: if you think were about to share some chick flick worthy feelings jam while we do eachothers nails youve got another thing coming
TT: Who's being condescending now?
TT: What I would like to know is if there is anything I can do to assist you with such matters.
TT: I could announce the news to John, if you like.
TG: shit are you crazy
TT: I was not aware of my insanity, no.
TT: Is there a particular reason why you are allegedly against this idea?
TG: jesus rose you really arent as smart as you seem sometimes
TG: maybe just confessing your undying love for someone worked in your case but it sure as fuck wont work in mine
TG: confessing to ebgert would be a miserable downward spiral
TG: which at the bottom would just be void of any sort of possible relationship let alone friendship with john for the rest of fucking eternity
TT: Are you quite finished being unnecessarily dramatic?
TT: I am quite certain John would not stop being your friend due to you admitting your affection towards him.
TT: You know John is not that sort of person.
TG: the fuck he isnt
TG: besides ill deal with it myself
TG: thanks for offering though i guess
TT: Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.
TT: I had better leave, I've found myself busy.
TG: ok bye
TT: Good bye. Good luck with John.
-- tetacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 13:38 pm --
Well, you certainly thought that went fucking brilliantly. Actually, looking back on your previous conversation makes you wonder if she mentioned any of this to Kanaya. It wouldn't be so bad, you guessed, Maryam was pretty chill from your perspective. You start to ponder whether you should actually take Rose up on her generous offer. Though, the sentiment still makes you squirm with embarrassment. The last thing you needed was-
Your thoughts are interrupted by the familiar ping of one of your friends messaging you on pesterchum. Oh shit, it's Egbert. You have so 100% definitely got this.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 24: 45pm --
TG: hey john
EB: what's up?
TG: oh you know just chillin out on this meteor
TG: a long miserable journey i like to call the worst few years of my life
TG: at least youve got harley for company man im stuck with a bunch of trolls and rose
TG: oh and the mayor
TG: at least hes the shit
EB: at least you have a bit of variety.
TG: true i guess
Your mind ventures back to your previous thoughts; the ones in which you debated with yourself whether or not to take up Rose's offer. You supposed, theoretically, you could just confess your feelings for him right now. The more negative part of your brain disagrees with you profusely upon that marvellous suggestion. Though the idea gets increasingly more tempting each time you converse with your dorky love interest. What can you say, you're a sucker for his big bucked teeth and his adorable personality. You even find him kind of alluring when he's so clueless to your romantic advances. Man, are you blushing? No way, dude. A Strider does not blush under any circumstances. Absolutely not.
EB: anyway, it sucks having to wait another year just to meet you.
EB: i have literally met everyone except you.
Okay, maybe a little. Maybe just a slight red tinge graces it's presence upon your cheeks. You are now pondering if you should pursue a career in romantic literature in very near future.
TG: yeah it sucks
TG: when we do actually meet you had better be treating me to a tender best bro embrace got it
EB: sure thing.
EB: i have to go, jade is trying to get my attention.
EB: bye dave!
TG: later man
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 24:52pm --
That was productive, you think to yourself. Just as you are attempting to collect your thoughts, the ping of your pesterchum application sounds yet again, informing you that someone else has decided to message you. All this messaging is starting to become a tad tedious. Can't a guy get a little peace and quiet?
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 24:53pm --
TT: Hello, Dave.
TG: hey rose
TT: Have you decided to make any romantic advances on your apparent love interest since we last talked?
TT: If so, I would like to hear how they went for you.
TG: oh my god
TG: give a guy a break
TG: ive barely talked to the dude let alone make any romantic advances on him
TT: I admire your tactics of obstinate procrastination, Dave.
TT: I also admire your profound use of the English language to convey your point.
TG: well it was better than your use of the english language when you were fucking hammered the other night
TG: you could barely string a sentence together let alone be as verbose as you usually are
TT: Verbose, I may be.
TT: Even while, as you so wonderfully put it, hammered.
TT: Though I will mention that you aren't much less voluble than I happen to be, what with your unnecessary rants and ramblings.
TG: unnecessary my ass that shit is completely vital
TT: I feel we are straying from the topic at hand once again.
TT: More deliberately where you're concerned, I assume.
TG: what really is there to say on the matter
TG: yeah i wanna unironically shove my tongue down ebgerts throat
TG: i would probably get my fist down mine instead if i tried that shit on the dude
TG: if the situation were even possible at this point
TG: end of discussion
TT: I don't feel that the conclusion of this discussion is nigh yet, Dave.
TT: Admittedly, waltzing up to John and pursuing in such outright activities do have a rather low success rate.
TG: no shit
TG: i might even go as far as to say
TG: no shit sherlock
TT: Yes, you might, but that would be unnecessary and stupid.
TT: Also, I wasn't finished.
TT: Such a meet up, quite obviously disregarding the rather forward motives you had in mind, does, to my recent attention, strike me as possible.
TG: rose are you drunk off your ass again
TT: According to you, my intoxication is noticeable by uncharacteristic spelling errors and lack of loquacious language, not by what you have allegedly assumed to be a preposterous statement.
TG: your preposterous statement still stands tall
TT: Be prepared to eat your proverbial words, Dave.
TT: It has recently occurred to me that John was but a few rooms away from us, merely a few days ago.
TT: He was apparently talking to a deceased female troll named Vriska, I believe.
TG: wait are you being serious
TG: im also not too fond of your past tense usage
TT: As many would so eloquently put it, I shit you not.
TT: Unfortunately the usage of past tense was necessary. John had temporarily visited this dream bubble by what I would assume was a consequence of falling asleep. We were too busy with other things to notice John's whereabouts.
TG: are you deliberately trying to put a depressing outlook on my day
TT: My most sincere apologies.
TT: If you decided to contribute to the intellectual art of using your brain on such matters, we could discuss this issue without being self-deprecating.
TG: you just told me i missed a chance to actually meet john
TG: romantic feelings aside here lalonde I think self-deprecation is in order
TT: Would you still claim such statements if I told you that his unnoticed visit here increases chances of us meeting in another dream bubble again?
TT: Of course such chances were at the same percentage as they were beforehand, but we didn't know that. Psychologically, we have just increased our chances by a mile.
TG: ok ok but psychological chance aside
TG: do you actually think it might happen
TT: Someone's eager.
TT: And well, why not? Any of us may fall asleep and wake up in a dream bubble with him, providing he is asleep simultaneously. Or, John may just happen to fall asleep and wake up in the same bubble we are travelling through, much like the situation just passed.
TT: I just thought I would mention that to you. I thought it might boost your confidence on the matter and perhaps increase the likelihood of confessing to him, whether I do your bidding or not.
TG: you know rose
TG: i was thinking about that actually
TG: i mean it couldnt really be so horrific
TT: That's a much better frame of mind to put yourself into. All you have to do is keep up that same confidence and when the time comes, put your motives in action.
You ponder putting your motives into action. Rose puts up quite a convincing argument, there is just no denying it. You sink back into your less than comfortable position against the wall, and sigh audibly to yourself. You're buried fuck deep in conflicted emotions and not enough time to prepare all the things you would desire saying to John. Not enough time is a burden you haven't felt you bared in quite a long time, and it feels foreign to you all of a sudden. You feel that you are going to have some interesting days ahead of you.